The things I’m not so open and honest about

Opening up about my problems is something I am not so good about. I see all the time how so many women are good at being true and honest about their struggles.

I often shy away from talking about my problems because I am trying to heal from all my wounds.

I have noticed in my life that by bringing to the surface the negative moments I actually seem to relive the situation and bring back a whole array of negative emotions with it.

I prefer not to talk about the negative because I want it to shrink inside my brain. Instead, I want to focus on the good and enlarge that aspect of my life.

I also don’t react well from negative criticism. So if someone criticizes me for being open and honest about a struggle, for some reason it rubs on me the wrong way and sticks in my head for a very long time.

I almost prefer to go through by struggere in my own personal life, and then come back once I know how to deal with them and I am ready to take any criticism or different opinions from anyone.

Maybe this makes me a not so honest person. I could see how others may perceive it as trying to look perfect.

I just don’t want to come off as negative or a complainer either for talking about my problems.

I think I am hoping to be remembered for the good I did rather then the bad things that happened to me.

I need to often separate my struggles from the things I may have done wrong.

Because I do tend to complain and not have the perfect attitude and joy that everyone talks about when struggling, I tend to view myself in a bad light during those moments.

I am perfectly aware of each and every flaw I have. I walk away from conversations and I immediately know when I said something wrong. I almost always instantly regret in my head the things I do wrong the minute I do them.

Because I know every single bad moment and mistake that I have lived, I try not to spend my outside life talking about it.

I know of many times where people have asked of specific examples of things I have dealt with. They are all in my head, yet I cannot bring myself to say the words.

Maybe it’s out of fear. Fear that the world will point their nasty finger at me and shame me and do to me what I see the world do to so many other people so often.

Fear that someone will quickly dismiss my problem as something easy for them to get over with and make fun of me for being so weak.

So know that I have my struggles too. We all do. But my number one reason not to talk about them, is because I want to create pure actions and even though inside I often may not feel like it, I want to live a good life and forget about all my problems.

Love, M. Serena Essuman